is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
