There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize