You're earring is so big in my mouth
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
