highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
