I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This house was built for laser tag.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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