Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
