I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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