a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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