fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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