His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
