rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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