Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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