True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
