I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
