I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
