Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
