I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
it's not cheating when I paid for it
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
