i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Are we still banned from the library?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
