I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
