I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
