I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
