I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize