If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
