I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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