Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
