My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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