i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
