Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
