the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize