Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
