Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
