i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
