Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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