everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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