I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
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