While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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