I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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