and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
