I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
