when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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