Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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