Fine. I'll sleep in my office
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
