you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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