just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
