My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
