Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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