my sisters under your porch take her home
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
