I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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