Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You left your phone here
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