i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize