If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
