I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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