I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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