I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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