Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Can you bring me the toilet please
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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