were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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