I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
