Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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