So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
