the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
