Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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