I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
