I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
