I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
